Positive outlook.

I've prided myself with a constant positive outlook on things. Maybe I'll chalk it up to a "benefit of the doubt" mentality, or my strong belief in karma. This is a recent (within the past 7 years or so) revelation, as those close to me know the serious relationship I had with depression, but I've come to embrace it. What's in the past has made me stronger, tomorrow is a brand new day, and I'll focus on things that only I can control and not let the rest bother me. You know... fun, corny stuff like that.

It's easy to grasp these concepts when it comes to others and what goes on around us. Yet we all are comfortable with the fact that "we are our harshest critics." This is wonderful to an extent. We have to live up to our own expectations, and try to keep the judgments and opinions of others at a safe, but reachable, distance. We're still *comfortable* with coming down hard on ourselves for having a bad day at work, not living up to social expectations, or never being happy with our body image. Why do we do this to ourselves? I don't feel the need to elaborate further.

I had one of these moments today. In typical female fashion, it had to do with body image. On a regular basis I look at myself in the mirror and, as most girls often do, pinpoint the one or two areas I'm not happy with, and sigh with despair. But I know that I need to take a deep breath and love what I have because I know there are parts of me that I find beautiful, and there are people in my life that find me beautiful in my sweats and my greasy-end-of-the-day-makeup. So as shallow and superficial as this may sound, my absolutely RIDICULOUS reality check came when I was in the dressing room at Old Navy, trying on a gorgeous top in size small, and cute jeans in size 2, and realizing that I've have to take them both home and shrink them a bit. Don't worry, it's times like these I mentally bitch-slap myself for thinking anything less of myself. :)

As selfish as this may sound - I sometimes feel the need to apologize to myself and others for insecurities like these. How am I supposed to teach others the value of positive self-image when I slip into these self-mutilating, criticizing thoughts? I know that I personally need to work on taking a deep breath and thinking positive thoughts, about myself and about the world around me, at multiple points throughout the day.

When all is said and done, I just want to tell everyone in this world that they are beautiful. And really, I mean EVERYONE. There is someone in this world that finds you beautiful. Head to toe, inside and out. And everyone needs to hear this on a regular basis. If you need help remembering that, I'm always here.

Disregard the time stamp. This is a *late night* post for me. Have a wonderful Sunday.

Love you all,

Jess

I'm sorry. I'll do better.

...at this whole blogging thing. The concept has grown to have different faces over the years. When I was younger, I would do it every day, sometimes more than that. I eventually felt the need to censor what I was writing, so blogging became an increasingly uncomfortable thing for me. In reading the very few entries I've posted in this new blog, I realized that writing came easier when I wasn't happy. Well I'm quite happy now, but I feel like there should still be things to write about?

I know. I'm overthinking things.

I feel like I'm living in a tiny box lately. Literally and figuratively. I literally cannot leave the house during the day, because I do not want my former employers/coworkers to know that I'm still living here. Not having a job and lounging around in sweats all day sounded fun for a while, but cabin fever is setting in. I've been so blessed to have been able to get out of the house for great lengths at a time, such as visiting everyone I love in California, and also spending a week and a half in Colorado with Dan's family.

But this is no way to live. I'm excited at the idea of starting school again, but with no income coming in, how am I supposed to make that happen? For those who haven't heard, it's now zoning in on 2.5 months of my being jobless, and I still haven't heard anything as to whether or not I'll have unemployment checks to rely on for income for a while. No, I haven't been looking for jobs, but that's because I really wanted to go to school. I'm finally considered a resident of the state of Washington for tuition purposes, but school is a whole lot more expensive up here than in California (I know that's hard to believe, California, but it's true), and how can I manage getting to classes when I can't leave the house? I know I'm not supposed to stress over things that are out of my control, but even the things that are within my reach seem so much bigger than me. I know the logical thing would be to move back home, not just for me, but to be near my family again. But I certainly can't leave Dan up here. Not after all that he's done for me.

Time is ticking. I think the answer right now is to not stress about finding answers. School has been on the back burner for a few years, one more quarter won't hurt. Until then, the brainstorming and soulsearching will continue. I've got plenty to keep me busy! Another week or so of finishing homemade Christmas presents. I'll be home for Christmas, before you know it.

There you go. Another blog post. Not so profound when I'm trying to make up for lost time, but I'll get back into the groove of things.

Love you all,

Jess

Welcome home!

This weekend is a huge "Welcome Home" weekend, to my campers and friends from Bear Valley, and to the world class musicians and dancers of Drum Corps International. Music and our passion for performing takes us from our loved ones time and time again yet we continue to submit to the abuse and frustration it puts us through - we do it for our audiences, the round of applause, and for the overwhelming rush of emotion that washes over you that comes with knowing that your music made someone else feel something.

That's why we do it, because music is the language of passion and emotion. It's universal and it comes full circle, because when we feel so strongly about something we want to share it with the world. You all have had this amazing opportunity presented to you, to share your music and your passion with others. Although it's an absolute pleasure to enjoy as an outsider, I truly hope and wish, deep down with everything in me, that you got out of it everything you possibly could. If not solely for the fact that these are memories you'll keep with you for the rest of your life and you want to look back on them with nothing but a sense of pride and accomplishment.

You better get it. Each and every one of you. Leave absolutely everything out on that field, on that stage. You have to willingly leave a piece of you behind because you know later down the road, these times will be a huge part in shaping who you are, whether you like it or not. I am so proud and in complete admiration of all that you've accomplished, and I'm so excited to see how you apply these amazing lessons to bettering yourself and future generations.

Love you all,

Jess

Forgiveness.

I make mistakes. You make mistakes. We've all been there and we've been on both ends of it. I grew up living with the fact that every person in my life had hurt or disappointed me in some way. It sucks, and maybe it made me feel numb to a point to where I made my mistakes and wasn't phased by them enough, or how they affected others. This is a devastating trap to fall into, because the people that I've hurt didn't deserve my lashing out at my past.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered the importance, and true meaning of forgiveness. I let myself hold onto the hostility and harsh feelings toward those who caused me pain, and I never realized that it was taking the place of the part of me that should be spent caring for those close to me and living my life the way I want to. I learned from watching a TV show (I won't tell you which one because it's embarrassing, let's face it) that even though I was the one who was hurting, until I forgave these parts of my dark past, whether they actually apologized to me or not, I was letting them control my life by letting them keep me from being completely happy. Whether they're still in my life or not, I let them inside and take up so much more of me than they ever deserved.

For those who are wondering, yes I have forgiven many who have hurt me. Some in person, and others just mentally. But going through the motions of taking that power back from them, the power they had over me and my emotions, I felt like I was taking "me" back piece by piece. Consequently, many of those walls I've had built around me for so long came crashing down. It's a wonderful feeling, while at the same time it leaves me with a sense of... vulnerability? Whatever it is, it's scary, but I think it's just because these are the parts of me I've been living without for so long.

It's also helped me to come to terms with things I've done in my past and own up to them. My best friend in the entire world has forgiven me for something terrible I did to her many years ago. Though I've made many mistakes, this was one I've spent many nights lying awake wishing I could take back. She forgave me because she sees that our friendship is one that's too strong and too important in both our lives to throw away over one bad memory among millions of great ones. I have never had anything open my eyes more... I always thought that you just run away screaming when someone hurts you. I was too ashamed to keep apologizing and she made the effort to reach out to ME and let ME know that everything was okay, and it changed my views on absolutely everything. To this day I don't know what I'd do without her in my life.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. You hear people say these things but always brush it off. But you heard it here, folks. It's my new drug of choice.

Love you all,

Jess

Happy thoughts.

It becomes more and more apparent that this is a tough year for everyone. The economy sucks and we're all struggling with debt, and more and more people I know have been unemployed for months on end. I still can't help but to think, however, if it's purely coincidence that so many are struggling with health problems, and losing loved ones. Alex has lost 3 family members in the span of 8ish months and that took a toll on so many things. My mom has had to try and cope with the loss of her mother while losing multiple members of the church at the same time. It's quickly becoming clear to me that as we get older, it's easier to understand the meaning of living a full life and having wonderful memories with someone, but it also makes it that much harder when we see them hurting. Before losing my grandmother and being by her side as it happened, I never thought about the part of death where we have to hold back the tears just long enough to let our loved ones know it's okay for them to leave us. We all wanted more time with her, so it was a struggle for us to tell her she could stop being in pain.

It's tough when it happens, and it's something we all have to go through time and again. In times of pain we need to fall to each other, our closest friends and loved ones, for comfort. Grandma spent her life putting her family first and taking care of us during all levels of happiness and hardship. These are the things I've taken from her and will apply to my life as I take care of my family now, and my very own family in the future.

I thought about writing this as I was talking with a good friend earlier. Please keep the Warren family in your thoughts and prayers, or whatever it is that you do. They are wonderful people that always take in a group of 150 marching members and support staff each year as family of their own with no questions asked. They take every opportunity possible to hug and care for us when we're far from the comforts of home, and always send mental hugs when they can't be with us physically. Four years down the road, and though I'm not part of the Cascades organization anymore, I ran into them a few weekends ago and felt like I was part of something again. We're all family and we'll pull together to comfort each other in times of need.

Love, hugs and happy thoughts for the Warren family, and anyone else going through this. It's never easy to think about having to say goodbye, but at least take comfort in knowing you can count on your friends and loved ones for support.

Love to all,

Jess

Why not?

I officially declare 2009 to be the year of "Why the f*ck not??"

Seriously. I had my chat with myself recently upon realizing that I'm letting too much just GET to me. Things that are out of my control, and things that I totally can change but have been sulking around about anyway. It's not okay to go through life like that. That's not how I used to be and that's not how I want to be. So the remainder of this year will be spent with my head out of my ass and doing things that I want to do, or things I've never done before.

A month ago my grandmother passed away. I'm not going to get into how tough it's been on me and my entire family, because I'm sure everyone has been there at some point. I miss her and I'm sad to not have spent enough time with her. Her death came around the same time that parts of every other aspect in my life had hit the fan as well. Breaking up with Alex, my job wearing me thin, having to move and start a new job, and other things. I am SO happy and blessed to have been able to spend some quality time with my family and I promised Grandma Sarah while I sat by her bed that I would personally make sure that we never go that long without seeing each other again. It was a very rough couple of days and I was not ready to go back to the shit storm that awaited me here, so I didn't. As many people know, I decided last minute to buy a cheap flight to Atlanta and spent a few days running around Georgia and Florida and taking some time for me. It was a very impulsive decision but it was the first of many "why not?" moments of recent past. I was already halfway across the country, I had some time before I had to start the new job, so why not spend some time with friends I hadn't seen in years, see some new places and just be the completely crazy Jessika that I have missed on many occasions?

It worked out great and it was the perfect outlet and time to just "recharge my batteries" before facing my next big adventures head on. I honestly and genuinely believe that if not for things like laying by the pool, running barefoot down the streets of downtown Atlanta in the middle of the night and drinking with friends and total strangers, walking Mark's dog around the lake while sorting through thoughts, and other completely simple and carefree things, I wouldn't have lasted long before completely breaking down. Many have seen this as being completely irresponsible and immature of me, but now I just know that they're jealous. I've been more in tune with myself through this whole ordeal, that my heart was trying to tell me to slow down and I listened to it. I got some great stories and pictures along the way, who could ask for anything more?

Now, I know I need to let my brain take charge sometimes too. I drove down to Portland last night and got a speeding ticket along the way, oops! But it was either spending time with a good friend for the evening, or staying up all night at home and being miserable by myself. I can't afford all these trips and tanks of gas (and the tickets, of course) all the time, but I'm really going to start letting these "why not?" impulses take charge more often. I also won't make a habit of picking up hitch hikers in Portland and driving all the way to Seattle with them, but Australian Rob was pretty awesome and I got to use the carpool lane during rush hour! And hey, I was driving there anyway, so why the hell not? Good karma for Jessika.

As for an update - I am certainly looking to move back home to California a lot sooner than planned. I was hoping to stay at this job for a year, but the breakup with Alex and things that resulted from that really opened my eyes, even more than they already were, to how uncomfortable I am with being up here all alone. I've been wanting to be back, closer to my family and friends, since I had the unfortunate taste of reality with Grandma's passing that life is far too short to not be able to give my mom a hug when I want to, or to be able to have my girls nights with my best friends. My boss may hate me for leaving so soon after starting, but I know she also understands what I'm going through right now. I need this, for me.

There! I finally got inspiration for a post in my brand new blog! I'll try and be around here more often - thanks for reading and leave lots of comments!

I love you all,

Jessika