Why not?

I officially declare 2009 to be the year of "Why the f*ck not??"

Seriously. I had my chat with myself recently upon realizing that I'm letting too much just GET to me. Things that are out of my control, and things that I totally can change but have been sulking around about anyway. It's not okay to go through life like that. That's not how I used to be and that's not how I want to be. So the remainder of this year will be spent with my head out of my ass and doing things that I want to do, or things I've never done before.

A month ago my grandmother passed away. I'm not going to get into how tough it's been on me and my entire family, because I'm sure everyone has been there at some point. I miss her and I'm sad to not have spent enough time with her. Her death came around the same time that parts of every other aspect in my life had hit the fan as well. Breaking up with Alex, my job wearing me thin, having to move and start a new job, and other things. I am SO happy and blessed to have been able to spend some quality time with my family and I promised Grandma Sarah while I sat by her bed that I would personally make sure that we never go that long without seeing each other again. It was a very rough couple of days and I was not ready to go back to the shit storm that awaited me here, so I didn't. As many people know, I decided last minute to buy a cheap flight to Atlanta and spent a few days running around Georgia and Florida and taking some time for me. It was a very impulsive decision but it was the first of many "why not?" moments of recent past. I was already halfway across the country, I had some time before I had to start the new job, so why not spend some time with friends I hadn't seen in years, see some new places and just be the completely crazy Jessika that I have missed on many occasions?

It worked out great and it was the perfect outlet and time to just "recharge my batteries" before facing my next big adventures head on. I honestly and genuinely believe that if not for things like laying by the pool, running barefoot down the streets of downtown Atlanta in the middle of the night and drinking with friends and total strangers, walking Mark's dog around the lake while sorting through thoughts, and other completely simple and carefree things, I wouldn't have lasted long before completely breaking down. Many have seen this as being completely irresponsible and immature of me, but now I just know that they're jealous. I've been more in tune with myself through this whole ordeal, that my heart was trying to tell me to slow down and I listened to it. I got some great stories and pictures along the way, who could ask for anything more?

Now, I know I need to let my brain take charge sometimes too. I drove down to Portland last night and got a speeding ticket along the way, oops! But it was either spending time with a good friend for the evening, or staying up all night at home and being miserable by myself. I can't afford all these trips and tanks of gas (and the tickets, of course) all the time, but I'm really going to start letting these "why not?" impulses take charge more often. I also won't make a habit of picking up hitch hikers in Portland and driving all the way to Seattle with them, but Australian Rob was pretty awesome and I got to use the carpool lane during rush hour! And hey, I was driving there anyway, so why the hell not? Good karma for Jessika.

As for an update - I am certainly looking to move back home to California a lot sooner than planned. I was hoping to stay at this job for a year, but the breakup with Alex and things that resulted from that really opened my eyes, even more than they already were, to how uncomfortable I am with being up here all alone. I've been wanting to be back, closer to my family and friends, since I had the unfortunate taste of reality with Grandma's passing that life is far too short to not be able to give my mom a hug when I want to, or to be able to have my girls nights with my best friends. My boss may hate me for leaving so soon after starting, but I know she also understands what I'm going through right now. I need this, for me.

There! I finally got inspiration for a post in my brand new blog! I'll try and be around here more often - thanks for reading and leave lots of comments!

I love you all,

Jessika