Forgiveness.

I make mistakes. You make mistakes. We've all been there and we've been on both ends of it. I grew up living with the fact that every person in my life had hurt or disappointed me in some way. It sucks, and maybe it made me feel numb to a point to where I made my mistakes and wasn't phased by them enough, or how they affected others. This is a devastating trap to fall into, because the people that I've hurt didn't deserve my lashing out at my past.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered the importance, and true meaning of forgiveness. I let myself hold onto the hostility and harsh feelings toward those who caused me pain, and I never realized that it was taking the place of the part of me that should be spent caring for those close to me and living my life the way I want to. I learned from watching a TV show (I won't tell you which one because it's embarrassing, let's face it) that even though I was the one who was hurting, until I forgave these parts of my dark past, whether they actually apologized to me or not, I was letting them control my life by letting them keep me from being completely happy. Whether they're still in my life or not, I let them inside and take up so much more of me than they ever deserved.

For those who are wondering, yes I have forgiven many who have hurt me. Some in person, and others just mentally. But going through the motions of taking that power back from them, the power they had over me and my emotions, I felt like I was taking "me" back piece by piece. Consequently, many of those walls I've had built around me for so long came crashing down. It's a wonderful feeling, while at the same time it leaves me with a sense of... vulnerability? Whatever it is, it's scary, but I think it's just because these are the parts of me I've been living without for so long.

It's also helped me to come to terms with things I've done in my past and own up to them. My best friend in the entire world has forgiven me for something terrible I did to her many years ago. Though I've made many mistakes, this was one I've spent many nights lying awake wishing I could take back. She forgave me because she sees that our friendship is one that's too strong and too important in both our lives to throw away over one bad memory among millions of great ones. I have never had anything open my eyes more... I always thought that you just run away screaming when someone hurts you. I was too ashamed to keep apologizing and she made the effort to reach out to ME and let ME know that everything was okay, and it changed my views on absolutely everything. To this day I don't know what I'd do without her in my life.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. You hear people say these things but always brush it off. But you heard it here, folks. It's my new drug of choice.

Love you all,

Jess